Jokes, funny stories or one liners

kirkules · 3rd June 2006, 21:22

Right then everyone, here is your chance to tell us a funny joke, story or one liner and I don't mean the Titanic! You can tell us a joke about any subject or any situation. The only thing is to make us all laugh.........
Hopefully....

Please keep it clean within the scope of this website. We don't want the humour police telling us off.

I shall start it off with a joke.

George W Bush was sitting in the Oval Office of the White House when Donald Rumsfeld walks in and says

"Mr President, today in Iraq, three Brazilian soldiers where killed!"

Mr Bush turned pale and put his head in his hands. When he looked up there were tears in his eyes. Donald Rumsfeld was taken aback by the Presidents show of sympathy.

George W controlled his emotions and replied to Donald

"That is terrible, but how many soldiers are there in a Brazilian?"

dr1819 · 4th June 2006, 08:21

American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.

Signed,

William Jefferson Clinton

dr1819 · 4th June 2006, 08:25

I'd have to say this one's better than the first!

Women: The Best Troops Around

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.

We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Dr. Shoe · 4th June 2006, 11:02

Don't do it!!!!

Where are they going to go when the war's over???!

chris100575 · 4th June 2006, 14:03

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care.

Chris

kirkules · 12th June 2006, 15:46

David Attenborough has discovered a new tribe of Pygmies in deepest Africa. They live amongst the 6 feet tall elephant grass. Standing at just 4 feet 3 inches tall, they are called the Fuqarewees.

They keep jumping up and shouting "Where the fuck are we?" :lol:

kirkules · 26th July 2006, 20:09

It has been discovered that Wimbledon 2006 was full of Witches.

Tim Henman is a waitch! Andy Roddick is a witch! Venus Williams is a witch! Goran Evanhesavitch.....

vector · 28th July 2006, 06:33

Did you hear George Bush wants to bomb the Canary Islands???

It's to stop the spread of the bird flu!!!!!!!!

kirkules · 30th July 2006, 10:44

Last night, 30 July 06, was my local town's wine festival, my local town being Cella in Deutchland. So a group of us decided to hit the town. I had panited my toenails purple the night before and felt at ease with them. I walked into my friends room bare foot and had a chat. One of the lads there happened to glance down and saw my feet, went quiet and upon me leaving I heard him whisper to his mate 'Did you see his toenails? He has painted them!'

Shock Horreur...........!!!

When we finally made it to the town, we all bought a bottle of vino each and started chatting. I was wearing a pink Paisley style patterned Ben Sherman short sleeve shirt with blue knee length denim shorts and a pair of Clarks brown leather sandles with just a part of my bigs toes and pinkies showing.

One of the other guys had obviously been coersed into asking me the question.

"Kirkules! Why are your toenails purple dude?" he asks.

"Because I haven't got any pink nail varnish!" I replied.

His face was a picture. So we chatted for a while and I tried to explain to him why I enjoy dressing as a 'chick' or even wearing some small parts of girls raiments. For a young lad he seemed to take it well.

jmc · 31st July 2006, 03:25

How about a "geek joke"?

An Engineer was walking along a road, out in the country. Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Hey Mister!" It turns out the voice is coming from a small frog. He picks up the frog and looks at it.

The frog says, "I am really a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I will do your bidding for a month." The Engineer smiles, puts the frog in his pocket and resumes walking.

After about thirty minutes the frog speaks again. "Listen, I'm telling you. I am really a gorgeous princess. Kiss me and I will do your bidding for a whole year!" The Engineer stops, examines the frog again, chuckles, returns the frog to his pocket and resumes walking.

After another thirty minutes the frog, desperate to break the evil spell, speaks again. "Okay, Okay! Just kiss me and I will be your slave! I'm so sick of this frog business I'll do anything! Please!"

The Engineer responds, "Hey, I'm an Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog -- now that's cool!"