dr1819

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."


The second man shakes his head.

"That's so ironic," he says.


"What do you mean?" asks the first man.




"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

dr1819

Sven and Ole were walking through the woods when they came upon a deep hole in the ground. The pair decide to test the depth of the hole by tossing in a rock. So as the rock is tossed in, Sven and Ole lean forward to hear the sound of the rock hitting the bottom. Nothing. The two look at each other first with confusion, then with an idea. Nearby is a large bolder which they retrieve, roll toward and then into the hole. Once again they lean forward to listen. Nothing. This time the pair excitedly retrieve a fair-sized log, hoist it to their shoulders, run toward the hole and heave it in. Again they both lean forward to listen...but as they're listening, suddenly a goat runs quickly by their legs and jumps into the hole.

Sven and Ole trade glances wondering what in the world had just happened. As they wonder, they hear a sound behind them and turn to see a farmer wandering toward them.

Farmer: "Hey, I misplaced a goat here in the woods. Have you seen him anywhere?"

Sven: "You know, it's funny you ask. We were looking down this hole when a goat ran by and jumped in."

Farmer: "Oh, that couldn't have been my goat, I tied mine to a log."

dr1819

At Last The Truth About Eating

For those who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is what kills you.

dr1819

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve and immediately find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to get into Heaven. When they meet St. Peter, they're told that they each have to present something associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a recent program from his daughter's Christmas play so in he gos.

The third man pulls out a pair of nylons.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "Just how do these represent Christmas?"

The man simply replies, "They're Carol's

dr1819

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who there?" asks St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury. Also, I used my position of power to have a much younger woman perform fellatio on me, but I didn't have sex with that woman."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' But there's no need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, so long as you don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

dr1819

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

dr1819

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb...?

Just two, but getting inside is the hard part...

dr1819

Next joke:
What do you call a cow?
Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

dr1819

What do you call a cow after giving birth?

Decaffeinated.

dr1819

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in

waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the

frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses

and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid

deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.