dr1819

A guy walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."

dr1819

How much does a set of Pirate earrings cost?

$2

They're a buccaneer

kirkules

dr1819...............

Please...! Don't give up your day job..............though the polar bear gag was good.

A guy walks into a bar and orders fifty shots of whisky. He downs them all in quick succession.

The barman leans over and asks why he is drinking so many shots.......

"Because I ahve just had my first blow-job...." says yhe guy.

The barman pats him on the back and says "Well done mate, here, have one more on the house!"

"Forget it" says the guy, "If fifty can't get rid of the taste, another one won't make any difference!"

__________________
fastest cross-dresser on two wheels

dr1819

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " WRONG

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from
your mistakes.

dr1819

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"Do you have any food?"

The bartender replies, "No, we don't serve food here." So, the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food?" The bartender says, "No, we don’t serve food here." So, the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food?" The bartender says, "NO! Look! I told you twice before! We don't serve food here!. . . and if you come in here again asking for food, I'm going to nail you to the wall!" So, the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "You got any nails? The bartender says, "Uhh... No."

"Whew!" says the duck, then asks, "You got any food?"

dr1819

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body and says "So where's this woman with the sore tooth?"

kirkules

William Shakespear walks into a Pub and the barman shouts to him

"You can't come in...........you're bard!"

__________________
fastest cross-dresser on two wheels

dr1819

George W Bush: The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur...

dr1819

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and *POOF* -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me".

So the fairy picked up her wand and *POOF* -- the husband was 90.

dr1819

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office...

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife,

"Sooo, what did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.