Jokes, funny stories or one liners - Page 18

thedesigner · 2nd August 2008, 00:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by tightsnheels

A girl in decides to go out with three band guys one guy a day for three days.
Night one she goes out with a tuba player at six and returns by seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She responds "It was kind of like a wet vacuum."
Night two she goes out with a trumpet player they leave at six and she again returns at seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She replies "It was kind of like a hard peck."
Night three she goes out with a French horn player at six and doesn't return until seven the next morning!
When the doorman sees her he asks "Was he a good kisser?"
She replies "Forget the kissing it was the way he held me!"
T&H

Funnily enough, i met the same girl when i was a roadie.
She told me that she went out with the chief violinist... but he only wanted a quick fiddle.
She pulled the drummer, but only because he was a status cymbal...
However her favourite was the cornet player cos he gave her the best licking she ever had.....

I'm taking up the keyboard, in the hope she likes the size of my .....

tightsnheels · 7th August 2008, 13:27

DUI - TEXAS STYLE

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons''s vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, 'The officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.'

This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I Doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

vector · 13th August 2008, 04:28

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You FOOL!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but Noooooo!, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

HappyFeat · 15th August 2008, 04:19

I am not sure if this is a joke or not, but when I heard it I laughed pretty good.

German proverb: You get old too early and smart too late....

thedesigner · 7th September 2008, 00:51

Guy comes my local, wearing a pair of crocs.
"Oi oi, " I thinks, knowing the landlord.
"Pint of London Pride, mate, " guy sez.
Well he''s trying at least...
Landlord sez, "Sorry, mate, Pride's off", even tho I'm supping one at the time.
"Oh, er, I'll have a lager then," guy sez, a bit disappointed.
Landlord sez, "Lager, mate, don't stock it."
"Oh well, no probs," the guy sez, "I'll have a scotch."
Landlord stands in front of the whisky optics, and sez, "Scotch? Waiting for the delivery, mate, sorry."
Punter now getting a bit exasperated.
"Is there anything I can have here?"
Landlord sez, cool as cucumber, "You can have a pint of water."
Punter sez, "Is that all, why?"
Landlord sez, "Cos you're gonna need it to put out the flames on your crocs, cos I'm gonna put petrol on them, if you dont .... off now for disturbing my regulars..."

I hear the bloke moved to Dundee.... (work it out)

thedesigner · 26th October 2008, 00:07

Credit crunchies:

What's the capital of Iceland ?
About £4.50....

They're now charging a fiver a time at the garages for using the tyre pressure machines.
That's inflation for you....

My bank's having a sale on....
used £5 notes, £4 each....

Even the pet shop's having hard times
All the budgies are going cheep....

Local baker's closed down
couldnt make enough dough....

Sausage maker, same thing
Couldnt make both ends meat....

Watchmaker had enough
Says it's time to call it a day....

Shoe repairer's suffering
down at heel.....

Chiropodist feeling the pinch
He's having to cut back a bit....

Even chickens, you wouldn't believe it, are being laid off.....

HOWEVER

Yachts are doing okay
Apparently, sails are going up....

Opticians, they're doing all right
They can see the what's ahead.....

And the magistrates courts
Well, they're doing fine....

Florists, they happy
Their sales are blooming....

Lastly, lastly now, cos i've gotta put the lights out before the landlord comes round, did you know the best way to make your money go further?

Send it to Australia.....

G'nite and thank you for being a lovely audience, best this week

gary0618 · 3rd November 2008, 23:08

I finally find a good job.

But it Only lasted 1 one week.

It was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

roniheels · 5th November 2008, 01:36

I once had a dog that had no nose.

Your dog had no nose? How did he smell?

Just awful!

shorty82 · 5th November 2008, 02:48

Some jokes from Mary Poppins. They are all from the scene at Uncle Albert's house. Oldies, but IMO goodies.

Bert: Speaking of names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?
------------------
Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I save for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?
Uncle Albert: I'd be so grateful.
Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he had a nightmare. So bad, he chewed his pillow to bits. To bits. The next morning, I says, "How do you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh not bad, a little down in the mouth."
------------------
[Bert and Uncle Albert are laughing at Uncle Albert’s tea-party]
Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.
Uncle Albert: And that was nothing like a good joke.

Dr. Shoe · 5th November 2008, 08:02

Why shouldn't there be a black face in the oval office, it's had a redneck in there for 8 years!