Jokes, funny stories or one liners - Page 17

jmc · 28th July 2008, 03:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by vector

. . . Why is that supposed to be so superior?
Funny!

I don't know about the ladies' rooms but the mens' rooms in gas stations can be pretty disgusting. I certainly wouldn't want to have to sit on one of those "thrones".

gary0618 · 28th July 2008, 22:18

About The Potatoe:

Did you know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe had eyes for each other, they fell in love, got married, and had a little Sweet Potatoe, they named Yam. They were very protective of little Yam, so they told her all about the facts of life and the ways of the world.
. .
They warned her about going out and getting Half Baked or Mashed, getting a bad name like Hot Potatoe, and ending up with a bunch of little Tater Tots.
.
Yam said, “Don’t worry. No Spudd will get me into the sack and make a Rotten Potatoe out of me.” She did not want to be a Couch Potatoe. But, Yam loved the fried okra, fried green tomatoes, rolls, & muffins included with every meal at the Potatoe Patch, so she wasn’t a Shoestring Potatoe.
.
Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe warned Yam about going off to Europe where she might fall in love with a boiled Irish Potatoe, or a greasy French Fry. They also warned her, “If you go out west, watch our for the Indians, or you might get Scalloped.”
.
Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe wanted the best for Yam, and they wanted a son-in-law who was really in the Chips. So, they sent Yam off to Idaho Potatoe University where she could meet and marry a really Big Potatoe.
.
One day, Yam came home and told her parents that she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe were upset and said, “Don’t marry him. He is just a Common Tater.” But he was very rich, so she married him anyway. And ... he was her gravy train for the rest of her life.

thedesigner · 29th July 2008, 23:31

an no doubt, mr potato had his chips....
and had a daughter lettice...

vector · 30th July 2008, 05:45

Did you hear about the two antennaes that got married?

The wedding was ok, but they had a great reception!!!!

gary0618 · 30th July 2008, 22:00

THE SHOES

A guy walks into a ladies shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 high heeled shoes.

The salesman says, "But, sir, Those are women's shoes, and I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay.

The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

thedesigner · 31st July 2008, 01:37

Man goes into a pub. Barman says, "yes mate.."
Man says, "large vodka and red bull", takes off one of his oxford heels and hands it to the barman, "in here please."
Barman,who is a man of the world, doesnt bat an eyelid, and sticks the shoe under the optic.
"Large one sir?," he remarks.
"No, they're only size 8, " the man replies.
Barman, being heel friendly, puts a large one in anyway, adds the
red bull and hands it to the man, who, completely unaware of the eyes watching him, proceeds to down the contents of his shoe from the heel end.
Another one please, barman", the man demands immediately. Barman goes through same procedure, large vodka, red bull, and hands the man the shoe laden with drink.
Barman is amazed as the man downs the second drink in one go.
Man taps his stiletto on the bar, and asks for a refill again.
Barman pulls his ear, scratches his head and drums up courage to ask the man:
"Scuse me mate, why are you drinking vodka and red bull out of an oxford heel shoe?"
Man replies, "well I normally drink beer, but my boots are being re-heeled and the beer would leak out of the laceholes."

Mckailah · 31st July 2008, 09:00

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said, "Things are great. I've never felt better. I have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like yourself, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting, and in a bit of a hurry, accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his rifle. As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite gun, and whispered, 'Bang, bang,' as he did with every shot. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that?"

The old man said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Allu(M) · 31st July 2008, 14:50

One man wanted to have a personal memory with his mistress. An intimate moment with his mistress. Together they went to artist.

"How about a photoshoot" asked the artist.

No definately not. If I got the original photo and negatives you still may have something to blackmail me for extra money later. We want a painting.

First artist made some drawings and the couple choose which they would to have as painting.

After one week artist called to man and said that painting is ready.

One year later artist called the man and asked more money.

Ha ha. I got the painting you cannot blackmail me!! No negatives you know.

You are right - no negatives - but I got the sketches.

tightsnheels · 1st August 2008, 03:38

A girl in decides to go out with three band guys one guy a day for three days.
Night one she goes out with a tuba player at six and returns by seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She responds "It was kind of like a wet vacuum."
Night two she goes out with a trumpet player they leave at six and she again returns at seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She replies "It was kind of like a hard peck."
Night three she goes out with a French horn player at six and doesn't return until seven the next morning!
When the doorman sees her he asks "Was he a good kisser?"
She replies "Forget the kissing it was the way he held me!"
T&H

gary0618 · 1st August 2008, 21:16

WOMAN: What would you do if I died: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Damn!