thedesigner

Struck a deal with my local, they pulled me a drink, and i pulled the barmaid....

shyguy

DAILY THOUGHT:
Some people are like Slinkies- Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

__________________
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly

thedesigner

Talk about oneupmanship...
did you hear about the couple who kept their heels on when making love on a plane?
Wanted to join the mile and six inches high club...

Or the poor bloke, well it was me actually, who kept his heels on in bed when making love.
Thought it would make me last longer.....
Only ripped the sheets thought...

In the pub the other day, in me heels, like you do, usual bacardi and coke in a tall glass, bloke comes up to mr and sez, "are you queer or what?"
Slightly taken aback, which is not my favourite, i said, "why do you ask that?"
The guy shifts about a bit and replies, "well, it's erm the heels.."
I sez, "yeees ?"
He sez, " well straight blokes don't wear heels"
I look at my heels, lovingly, as you do, and reply, " I'm sorry, i have to wear heels."
"Oh," the geezer sez, surprised.
"Yes," I reply, " Cos i'm a homicidal maniac and i wear them so that when i get arseholes like you taking the piss it's the only way i can't chase you out the bar into the carpark and beat the f...... shit out of you."
"want a refill mate, " the geezer replied....

HappyFeat

In honor of George Carlin who passed last week...

"Its OK to prick your finger, but you better not get caught fingering your prick..."

thedesigner

why do u think chickens lay so many eggs?

Cos they like a load of cock...
.............................................
How do female turkeys call their mates?

gobble gobble gobble....
............................................
Why do female horses have so few foals?

Cos they always say "nay"...
.............................................
Why do camels have so few offspring?

Cos they;ve always got the hump...
.............................................
How do dogs chat up their girlfriends ?

Yo, bitch...
..........................
How do cats get laid ?

Hey tom, wanna bit of pussy
............................
and lastly,

why do sheep who give their shag a sweet always get turned down?

cos mrs sheep always sez "baa.... humbug!"

wellies off and bedtime.....

thedesigner

Now we've got the credit crunch, i'm gonna make it work for me..

gotta tighten our belts... buying a corset...

i'm strapped for cash, so i'm gonna earn some money going out pimping... in my slingbacks...

got a free meal at my restaurant , cos the owner said can i dress for dinner, too good to refuse...

Amazon offering a free cd with every order, gonna get one....

determined to keep my standard of living up, wearing higher heels to keep pace with inflation....

and lastly, cos im going to bed now, i'm thinking of offering an online personal wind turbine service.....

***EDIT***

ps i havent started it yet, dont be so keen...
g'nite...

tightsnheels

Moses, Jesus and an old bearded man are out playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. It lands in the fairway but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly he raises his club and the water parts allowing the ball to roll to the other side safe and sound.
Next Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. The ball lands directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips it up onto the green.
The old man gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball it heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. Then it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down the downspout out on to the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lilly pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lilly pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down grabbs the frog and flys away. As they pass over the green the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

thedesigner

was sitting on Brighton Pier, with me line out, as you do, fishing for me life. Got a pull (from the water, sadly, just my luck!), and pulled it in.
There it was,a slingback at the end of me line.
Bloke next to me sez, "Cor, cant you catch a fish then, mate?"
Quick as, I replies, "No worries mate, I'm fishing for 'eels...."

thedesigner

Rite, another one. My dog hates cats. Cant stand 'em. Well that's normal, right.
I was takin my dog for a walk today, in the country, like you do, in me old heels, big ones, like you do, gotta make the effort.
This guy comes up to me and sez:
"You must be barking mate, wearing heels out here!"
I sez, "No mate its not me, it's the dog that's barking!"
Obviously seen the kitten heels my dog was wearing....

thedesigner

Went to the doctors yesterday (well it's tomorrow now, but who cares)...
I sed, "doc, I'm goin a bit mutton"
Doc sez, " a bit mutton?"
He had this habit of repeating what you said...
I sez, "yes doc, a bit mutton jeff, you know."
"oh," he sez, "deaf, should i speak up"
"I dont care if you do falsetto mate" , i sez, "so long as i can hear what you're saying.."
Doc sez, " I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PROBLEM IS"
Don' know why he shouted, i can lipread anyway...
"YOU DONT EAT ENOUGH FISH" he shouted.
....... deafened me, but thats his style.
"What do you mean doc," i replied.
"YOU'RE A BIT HARD OF HERRING" he replied....
Likes to spin me a line, my doc...
"what about eels," i said.
"oh i never thought you'd notice them, " doc said, pulling up his trouser leg, " got them in a sale!"
"But will eels make me hear better," I asked, whilst admiring his fashion sense.
"no," he replied, " but just get your prescription made up in Boots...."

And true to life, it was just like the doctor ordered. Since wearing heels, i can hear a higher octave....