Jokes, funny stories or one liners - Page 13

thedesigner · 26th May 2008, 02:03

where do heelwearers who prefer eric clapton to jeff beck meet ?

at the crossroads....

thedesigner · 26th May 2008, 02:07

and those who think hendrix is king, where do they meet?

At the red house over yonder.....

thedesigner · 26th May 2008, 02:15

last one, last one before i go, dont boo yet eveyone, no i havent finished, last one...

what do you get when you plug a stiletto wearing fisherman into the mains ?

electric 'eels....

g'nite and thank u for being a terrific audience, best i've had all week !

gary0618 · 26th May 2008, 19:09

Your mama is so fat,

every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

gary0618 · 26th May 2008, 19:39

The Open Toe Shoe Pledge

Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again. Just a friendly reminder!! Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: (The Open Toed Shoe Pledge)...

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $10 and worth EVERY penny).

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals... Don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other sisters.

gary0618 · 26th May 2008, 19:49

One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.

Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.

The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.
"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

yozz · 26th May 2008, 21:00

The invention of copper wire is attributed to two Scotsmen who were
fighting over a penny.

thedesigner · 29th May 2008, 00:10

talkin of scotsmen, did u know the scottish cloakroom attendant....

Angus McCoatup.....

euchrid · 30th May 2008, 22:26

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says.

'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.

'You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out.' she storms.

Again the man apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your lady garden with Guinness, and then drink every last drop.'

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up, Love?' he asks.

'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.

'I'll kill him. where is he?' storms the husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks And lick it off' she screams.

'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my lady garden with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

'Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness...

thedesigner · 28th June 2008, 00:48

I'll drink 2 that....
Wheres the pub....