xaphod

Understanding Women

A biker was riding along a Welsh beach when suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Dublin so I can ride over any time I want”.

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Irish Sea! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify Me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her a truly happy woman”.

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



Xa

tightsnheels

It is a beautiful Easter morning and the whole congragation was gathered in the church, all were singing as the pastor started his walk down the aisle. Just as he reaches the alter Satan appears in a blast of fire and smoke. The entire congragation flees in whatever way they can out doors, leaping out of windows pushing and shoving as they go. Satan stands at the front laughing with tears running down his face until he spies a little old man calmly sitting in the front pew. Now this perturbed Satan something fierce and he walks up to the man.
"Aren't you scared?"
"Don't see why I should be."
"Don't you know who I am?"
"Well I ought to I've been married to your sister for sixty-three years!"
T&H

tightsnheels

What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang-bang, clipity clop, clipity clop, clipity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting.
T&H

Pumpfan

There was once this Scottish atheist out on the lake (or loch), for a day of fishing.

All of a sudden a huge reptililian tail smashes up into the boat.

As he's flying through the air the atheist prays out loud for God to spare his life.

All of a sudden a booming voice comes from the sky and says, "why should I spare your life when you never believed in me until now?"

He replies "God, until now I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!!!"

Bubba136

Addendum: So, God let him die while he still had the faith!

__________________
Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public.

vector

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Because it was stapled to the punk rockers back!

luke_vibert_uk

I was invited to attend the wedding of my friends who are both TV antennas. The wedding wasn't that great but the reception was excellent.

crotchboots-m

what do u get if you have conjugal relations with a parakeet? chirpies

thedesigner

Blind tranny waiting at the lights.
Bloke calls out: "Cross dresser !".
Tranny starts walking across.
Gets run over......
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Heel wearer walking thru town, happy as a days long.
His friend comes up and says "Hi, mate !"
Heel wearer says "Yes they are, thanks !" without realising....
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Why do heel wearers always live in houses.....?
.... cos they can't live in flats......
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what's the difference between a straight carpenter and a CD carpenter?
a straight carpenter screws, a CD carpenter... nails......
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A guy in heels is walking through the woods, happy, it's a nice day, the birds are singing, nobody can see he's wearing heels in full view.
Suddenly, this stray dog comes out of nowhere, comes up to him, and widdles on his leg.
Guy is astounded.
"What d'you do that for?" he says to the dog.
"Well," says the dog, "with heels like that and a tank top, you gotta be taking the piss!"

tightsnheels

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
1. Name___________________ Nickname/Alias ___________ Date of Birth__________
2. Height___’___” Weight ________Lbs. I.Q._______ G.P.A._________
3. Social Security #_____-____-_____ Drivers License #_____________________
4. Boy Scout Rank ________________ Good standing Yes____ No____
5. Home Address_______________________ City/State ________________ Zip_________
Home phone ____________ Car phone ______________ Pager _____________________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____ If no please explain ______ ______________________________________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married?________ Parents occupations __________________
Best time to interview your parents?___________________________________________
8. Do you have piercings other than your ears? ________ Tattoo? ____________________
(If yes to any of the above discontinue application and leave the premises)
9. In fifty words or less, what does late mean to you? _______________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________
10. In fifty words or less what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________
11. In fifty words or less what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _________________ How often do you attend ________________
Best time to interview your Priest/Pastor _____________________________________
Fill in the blank: Please answer freely, all answers are confidential
(That means I won’t tell anyone, ever I promise!)
A. if I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is _______________.
B. If I were beaten the last bone I want broken is______________________.
C. A woman’s place is in the __________________.
D. The only thing I hope this application does not ask me is________________________.
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ______________________________________
F. When I meet a girl the first thing I notice about her is ____________________________
G. Now answer the question you filled in on letter “D” ____________________________
Note: If your answer to the letter “F” begins with T or A, discontinue. It is advisable that
you leave the premises quickly, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion.
I SWEAR THAT ALL THE INFORMATION PROVIDED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENELTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICA ANT TORTURE, ELLECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE
AND OR RED HOT POKERS.
__________________________________
Signature (That means sign it moron.)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be
notified in writing if you are approved. Please DO NOT call or write however as this could
cause you unexpected injury. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two
gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. It is advisable to watch your back!