Anita C.

OK, Heelers! It's Joke time! Share your fave C L E A N humourous short story. Risque is OK-smut is NOT.

For example:

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggust wher the talcum powder is. He comes around the counter and says "walk this way, ma'am". She says "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder." (rim-shot) The one & only GROUCHO

After telling me her tale of woe, a woman asks me "What would you do if you were me?" "I think I'd shoot myself."

Risque:

"Did I ever tell ya 'bout the time I shaved my legs & wrecked 'em (rectum)?"

__________________
"Spike Heels . . a Pork-pie hat . .
Have on the mend in no time flat . . Ten Minutes 'Till The Savages Come by Manhatten Transfer.

Dr. Shoe

A friend of mine is a keen golfer. He was hanging out at the golf house when he noticed an unfamiliar face, and so he went across to speak to him.
My Friend: "I haven't seen you here before."
The New Face: "No, I've only just got my membership."
My Friend: "Do you fancy a game next week?"
The New Face: "Why not? How about next thursday?."
My Friend: "I can make 10.00."
The New Face: "Fine! I might be ten minutes late though."
My Friend: "Great!"

The following thursday, both guys were on the course at 10 am sharp. My friend goes round in 97 and the new guy goes round in 60. My friend makes no comment except to book a return match for the following thursday but the new guy says he could be 10 minutes late.

Anyway, by 10 am the following Thursday both men are teeing off as before except the new guy is playing left handed. My friend hits his best ever round and gets 92, the new guy hits 61 and is cursing himself for a poor performance.

On the way back to the clubhouse the following conversation takes place.

My Friend: "I don't believe it, last week you go round in 60 and thrash me playing right handed, then today you beat me hollow playing left handed. How do you do it?
The New Face: "Well, when I wake up I see which side my wife's laying on and that determines which hand I play with."
My Friend: "So what do you do if she's laying on her back?"
The New Face: "That's when I'm ten minutes late!"

JeffM

Dont want to be a kill joy but dont we already have a "put your jokes here" section?

Jeff

Skirted-UK

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After
a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor ?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep reading .....

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus the woman must have been driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Skirted-UK

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck
is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the
dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of
the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to
the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

Are you ready for the "punch line"............







The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .........

hoverfly

> Subject: Gifts for Mama
> >
> >Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and
> >lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
> >together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their
> >elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
> >
> >The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
> >
> >The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
> >house."
> >
> >The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
> >
> >The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Bible
> >and you know she can't read it any more because she can't see very well.
I
> >met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
> >Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
> >contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
worth
> >it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will
recite
> >it."
> >
> >The other brothers were impressed.
> >
> >After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
> >
> >She wrote:
> >
> >"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
> >have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
> >
> >"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound that could
hold
> >50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly
> >blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
> >
> >
> >"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I even have my groceries
> >delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
> >
> >"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
> >little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

:rofl:

__________________
Hello, my name is Hoverfly. I am a high heel addict…. Weeeeeeeeeee!!!